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What I'm trying to remember everyday


Attempt number one

I have been doing so great. I stopped my meds. Day 3 without them and I still feel awesome! Last night I did event security and was working for 15 hours. I had a bad moment where ed almost got back in. He was telling me I couldn't eat the pizza bought for our staff because everyone would watch me. And think I'm fat. After texting with my husband he calmed me down. Reminded me why I was recovering. I ate 3 pieces of pizza. And didn't try to purge. Never crossed my mind. I feel stronger after pushing ed out. Thank god for the support of my husband :)

Lazy Sunday with my love ;)


Be jealous

I seriously have the best marriage ever. My husband is amazing and I can honestly say I'm done with ed!!! I feel like it's not real I had shut that voice out, I'm scared it's going to come back, but I keep thinking that my marriage is better than ever, I am the happiest I've been in months and I feel great!! Here's to being fit and healthy and not "skinny"


Low and high

Last week was the lowest week if my life. Yet it opened my eyes so much and has led to some of the most amazing things I could ever ask for. I am closer than ever with Justin, we are more passionate, open, and honest. It's amazing. I wish this would have happened years ago, yet I'm glad it happened when it did because it's leading to great things. I have been so happy and full of life. It's like I got new glasses and can see the world now. It's not all about numbers and diets. It's about loving what you have who you have and yourself.

Everyday I feel stronger and stronger.


Fresh start

I'm having the best week so far!! Loving my new world!


Break up

Today has been great!!! Justin (husband) had a great idea to have me break the razor in half that I cut with. Great way to start off the morning. We went to breakfast, drove around the lake and had some great talks and laughs! We came home, got lost in each other took a nap and got up to start cleaning our house together. I have known that ED my eating disorder, had been in the way of my relationships. So, it's time to break up with him. He's abusive, physically and emotionally, he's caused so many problems, I cry because of him all the time, and I have been cheating on my marriage with him. So. It's over ed. So long.

I changed my hair, broke his razors, and am listening to pick me up music!! :) Tonighg, I'm writing my Declaration of Independence from ed! Next, file for divorce.


Positively certain

Today will be a good day!

Today's question/answer
What does ed want from me?
A: to be thin. To not eat. To workout. To cut. To lie. To hurt.
What do I need to do today to keep strong with recovery?
A: Enjoy my day off with my amazing husband. Forget about calories. Forget about the world. After all it's nothing without him.

Today will be good.


Lucky stone

I found this today at a little place my husband and I stopped at.
There were probably 50 of them out and that was the only one I saw.

Try recovery.


To my true friends. I love you.

I cut today.
It didn't hurt. I just stared at it. As I realized how deep it was and that I could actually seem veins. Blue. Through the giant gap that now exists on my wrist.
I ran for paper towel as blood started pooling to the surface. I got it cleaned up but it did eventually start hurting. Now it hurts to move my wrist. Hurts to use it.
Normally I like the after sting of my cuts. Reminds me sweetly. Not this time. It hurts like a Bitch One slight movement over an inch a it feels like my wrist is going to completely open and my hand is going to fall off.

I hate this. I HATE ed. I hate him. I want to kill him. Why can't I have control? Ed makes me think I'm in control but he always has control. It's never been me. He tells me not to eat. He tells me to purge. He tells me to cut myself to punish myself from being bad being fat imperfect.

I have never felt more ready for recovery. Hearing the panic and concern in my husband When on the phone talking about the recent cut with him, it was breaking my heart. He's the strong one, the one that is always there as strong. And he sounded broken. Because of me. I can't ever do that to him again. I made a promise to him that I would never cut again. I have every intention to uphold that promise. Without him my life is meaningless. I will not risk our marriage for ed. Ed sucks. Ed needs to die. Ed is horrible.

I am ready. I am focused. I will not let ed over power me. Here's to recovery and those in recovery/recovered. It's going to be a long journey but I'm ready. I have to be.


Break down

Today was ok. Last night I told my husband about the cutting. He called to check on my three times while he was at work. Huge rarity for him. I don't want him to treat me like a mental case.
I have been crying all day. Hating myself and trying to stay strong for him. So he doesn't hurt because of me. I broke down at the gym on my second set if squats. I managed to pull myself together and ended up leaving. I wanted to cut. So bad. I sat on the bench forever it seemed like. Now I'm home on the couch and trying to decide how I can avoid dinner.